If you have ever watched an episode of CSI-Miami (or started to watch and bailed, like I did) you know about the famous Caruso openings and closings. Unfortunately, I don't mean that they feature clips of Enrico Caruso. See what I do mean in this YouTube video I found. It's one of those things that had to be done. See how far you can make it without either laughing or becoming ill - or a cathartic combination of both.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
NOW Softer and Thicker!
Recently we got our newspaper in a bag even though there was no rain in the forecast. The bag was provided by the makers of Brawny paper towels to alert us to important news of the day: Brawny now sells Premium Performance paper towels. I don't usually read the newspaper any more, but if I did I know the good news from Brawny would inoculate me from any sad stories.
But there's more! The newspaper bag actually had another plastic bag attached. I could scarcely contain my glee as I ripped into it with my bare hands. The second bag contained a full color cardboard pamphlet, inside which I found another plastic bag which held a paper towel folded in quarters on a thin cardboard backing. I took a moment to say a prayer of thanks for the multiple layers of plastic to protect my Brawny sample from atmospheric conditions and especially for that last square of cardboard that obviously kept my Brawny sample from being snapped in half or shattered en route to my driveway. I then caressed the paper towel sample. It did indeed feel softer than some things I have felt. Still bursting with excitement, I turned my attention to the inside of the beautiful full color cardboard pamphlet and saw photos of how my Brawny sample might be used.
I am so glad that Brawny went to all of the trouble to attach this protective sample delivery apparatus to my newspaper. Goodness knows, the experience would not have been the same if I had been handed a sample at the grocery store. Then I would have had the chance to refuse the sample (yeah, right) and I would have actually been footsteps away from the product on the shelf. This would seem like Brawny was just trying to use an effective promotional campaign to get me to buy their towels. Brawny also knows that strategy would have required less hi-tech packaging than the newspaper delivery method, and we all know that these packages create jobs since they are still produced and filled by American workers in the good old USA. And of course that paper towel could never have survived a trip to my house if mailed in an envelope.
Well, now I have the sample magneted to my refrigerator, and I can't decide what to use it for. So it's off to brawnytowels.com for the answer.
Below should be a slide show of the integrated packaging system I described.
If it doesn't show try clicking here
Also, you might want to read this letter I found. Make sure you click to page 2.
But there's more! The newspaper bag actually had another plastic bag attached. I could scarcely contain my glee as I ripped into it with my bare hands. The second bag contained a full color cardboard pamphlet, inside which I found another plastic bag which held a paper towel folded in quarters on a thin cardboard backing. I took a moment to say a prayer of thanks for the multiple layers of plastic to protect my Brawny sample from atmospheric conditions and especially for that last square of cardboard that obviously kept my Brawny sample from being snapped in half or shattered en route to my driveway. I then caressed the paper towel sample. It did indeed feel softer than some things I have felt. Still bursting with excitement, I turned my attention to the inside of the beautiful full color cardboard pamphlet and saw photos of how my Brawny sample might be used.
- A spilled glass of milk with the helpful caption, "Thicker to wipe away messy spills that get thrown your way." Perfect! My family throws glasses of milk at me daily.
- A man's hairy hand holding a Brawny towel approaching a dirty frying pan with water running through it in the sink, "With the classic Brawny towel strength you love for your most hard-to-clean messes." Yes! I have always wanted to use paper towels to scrub dirty frying pans. That way they aren't really clean and I can declare them 'seasoned'.
- Then tears welled up in my eyes as I saw the cutest picture of a toddler in a high chair smiling with 6 teeth even though a photographer's assistant just smeared cold spaghetti sauce on his face and scattered noodles around him, "Softer and more cloth-like to clean his face and every other place." Ok. His face - oh, and his hands! Yes, now I see there is sauce on his hands, too.
I am so glad that Brawny went to all of the trouble to attach this protective sample delivery apparatus to my newspaper. Goodness knows, the experience would not have been the same if I had been handed a sample at the grocery store. Then I would have had the chance to refuse the sample (yeah, right) and I would have actually been footsteps away from the product on the shelf. This would seem like Brawny was just trying to use an effective promotional campaign to get me to buy their towels. Brawny also knows that strategy would have required less hi-tech packaging than the newspaper delivery method, and we all know that these packages create jobs since they are still produced and filled by American workers in the good old USA. And of course that paper towel could never have survived a trip to my house if mailed in an envelope.
Well, now I have the sample magneted to my refrigerator, and I can't decide what to use it for. So it's off to brawnytowels.com for the answer.
Below should be a slide show of the integrated packaging system I described.
If it doesn't show try clicking here
Also, you might want to read this letter I found. Make sure you click to page 2.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
taking it one step further
I watch too much TV. Recently, I saw three TV commercials in a row that each made me think:
1. The first one showed people in a fancy-looking restaurant enjoying their pasta dinners and smiling at each other. Then the chef says something like, "I didn't cook any of this, Straw Hat delivered it!" And everyone is so surprised and even happier, and we find out that Straw Hat now has pasta for sale. Wonderful.
They made it look like it was a real restaurant. Wouldn't you be thrilled if you went out for pasta, made foodie comments about how delightful the fettuccine was, and then found out it was made in 25 pound batches - heated from frozen in a Straw Hat Micro-Magic Machine by a teenager who kicked a dead squirrel for two blocks on the way to work.
2. The one with the 21-year-old guys singing about how they hate working at the seafood restaurant, but have no choice because they didn't get their credit report from freecreditreportdotcom.
First, it insults people who work in those places and do a great job. Second, they seem to be marketing toward irresponsible twentysomethings. Those guys know they have lousy credit. If anything, the message is: Don't check your credit report. Then if you are turned down for a job or a loan that you weren't qualified for anyway, you can whine about how you didn't get it because of those gosh-darned credit reporting agencies. So if they aren't going to sell anything, why oh why do we have to sit through the commercial.
(By the way, you can get a free credit report every six months at annualcreditreport.com - a legitimate site where the big three credit reporting agencies are forced by law to provide free reports without making you sign up for some automatically renewing ripoff. Just don't sign up for any of the extras.)
3. An Ocean Spray commercial with those two guys standing waist high in the bog talking about cranberry juice.
The spazzy younger guy who is always bouncing from one foot to the other doesn't bother me too much. Sure he is drinking a lot of cranberry juice, but as long as he keeps hopping I'm not worried about the fact that his body is hidden from the waist down by water topped with a cranberry camouflage. It's the old grumpy guy who bugs me. He must drink plenty of the stuff, and never looks anxious. Even after bogging it for hours, although grumpy, he looks relaxed - or should I say relieved.
Since I just realized that none of this is funny, I'm glad that last commercial reminds me of this video on YouTube - funny, but rated PG.
If you can't see the Youtube screen, try this link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBdymtyXt8Y
1. The first one showed people in a fancy-looking restaurant enjoying their pasta dinners and smiling at each other. Then the chef says something like, "I didn't cook any of this, Straw Hat delivered it!" And everyone is so surprised and even happier, and we find out that Straw Hat now has pasta for sale. Wonderful.
They made it look like it was a real restaurant. Wouldn't you be thrilled if you went out for pasta, made foodie comments about how delightful the fettuccine was, and then found out it was made in 25 pound batches - heated from frozen in a Straw Hat Micro-Magic Machine by a teenager who kicked a dead squirrel for two blocks on the way to work.
2. The one with the 21-year-old guys singing about how they hate working at the seafood restaurant, but have no choice because they didn't get their credit report from freecreditreportdotcom.
First, it insults people who work in those places and do a great job. Second, they seem to be marketing toward irresponsible twentysomethings. Those guys know they have lousy credit. If anything, the message is: Don't check your credit report. Then if you are turned down for a job or a loan that you weren't qualified for anyway, you can whine about how you didn't get it because of those gosh-darned credit reporting agencies. So if they aren't going to sell anything, why oh why do we have to sit through the commercial.
(By the way, you can get a free credit report every six months at annualcreditreport.com - a legitimate site where the big three credit reporting agencies are forced by law to provide free reports without making you sign up for some automatically renewing ripoff. Just don't sign up for any of the extras.)
3. An Ocean Spray commercial with those two guys standing waist high in the bog talking about cranberry juice.
The spazzy younger guy who is always bouncing from one foot to the other doesn't bother me too much. Sure he is drinking a lot of cranberry juice, but as long as he keeps hopping I'm not worried about the fact that his body is hidden from the waist down by water topped with a cranberry camouflage. It's the old grumpy guy who bugs me. He must drink plenty of the stuff, and never looks anxious. Even after bogging it for hours, although grumpy, he looks relaxed - or should I say relieved.
Since I just realized that none of this is funny, I'm glad that last commercial reminds me of this video on YouTube - funny, but rated PG.
If you can't see the Youtube screen, try this link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBdymtyXt8Y
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Spell Checker
In elementary school we each had a dictionary assigned to us, or at least there were enough for everybody to use at once. They had red hard covers, the kind with the semi-rough canvas feel to them. We would use them to look up words whenever the teacher told us to. Sometimes we used them on our own. Oh, but we knew how to use them. They were set up in alphabetical order and even had those semicircular fingertip shaped cutouts on the side of the pages to mark the sections. "A", "B", and "C" had their own cutout while "DE" shared one, and so on. If you could guess the first letter of the word, you were on your way.
How do I spell 'reliable'? That starts with 'R'. Here we go. I pull a dictionary off of the very low shelf below the windows and find a nice clean one. While I return to my desk, and without thinking, I feel the texture of the cover with my hand flat. In my seat I look to the cutouts for "R", find it has its own cutout, and slide my left thumb in there to open the book and see "ravage" in the upper left corner. Yes, we have been taught to use those page headers to narrow our search. I know reliable must have an 'e' next, so I am happy to see "readably" on the upper right of the facing page. I'm already close. Now I turn one thin page at a time, enjoying the page flip sound that signals work being done. I'm watching the upper right as I go - "rebellion" - "reciprocity" - "recourse". Ok, there are more "re" words than I thought, I grab a small stack of pages - "reincur". Another small stack - "resile". Too far - "repulsive" on the left. Back a bit - "reminiscence". Now flinging the pages more to make the noise louder as I close in, back one page - "relic", one more - "reindeer" on the left (with a picture), "reliantly" on the right! Scan down the page "relay" "relay race" "release" "relegate" "relent" "relentless" "relevant" "reliable"! Actually "re li a ble". It's all here. Everything I need. Just as advertised. That's how I thought it was probably spelled, but now I'm sure. It feels good. I don't want to put the dictionary away, but it will never fit in my desk. Besides, putting it away is a legitimate reason to stroll across the classroom and stare out the window at the courtyard for a few seconds.
How do I spell 'reliable'? That starts with 'R'. Here we go. I pull a dictionary off of the very low shelf below the windows and find a nice clean one. While I return to my desk, and without thinking, I feel the texture of the cover with my hand flat. In my seat I look to the cutouts for "R", find it has its own cutout, and slide my left thumb in there to open the book and see "ravage" in the upper left corner. Yes, we have been taught to use those page headers to narrow our search. I know reliable must have an 'e' next, so I am happy to see "readably" on the upper right of the facing page. I'm already close. Now I turn one thin page at a time, enjoying the page flip sound that signals work being done. I'm watching the upper right as I go - "rebellion" - "reciprocity" - "recourse". Ok, there are more "re" words than I thought, I grab a small stack of pages - "reincur". Another small stack - "resile". Too far - "repulsive" on the left. Back a bit - "reminiscence". Now flinging the pages more to make the noise louder as I close in, back one page - "relic", one more - "reindeer" on the left (with a picture), "reliantly" on the right! Scan down the page "relay" "relay race" "release" "relegate" "relent" "relentless" "relevant" "reliable"! Actually "re li a ble". It's all here. Everything I need. Just as advertised. That's how I thought it was probably spelled, but now I'm sure. It feels good. I don't want to put the dictionary away, but it will never fit in my desk. Besides, putting it away is a legitimate reason to stroll across the classroom and stare out the window at the courtyard for a few seconds.
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